CHANGE

This word has many connotations. Depending on the situation, change can be good or harmful. Most of the time, in the end, it's for the best. Things wouldn't change if they were meant to last. This is how I must think about this time of change in my life.

For the past four months, I've been completely immersed in this guy-a great guy, mind you- but a guy, when what I should have been filling my time with was God. This guy and I decided last night to break things up. He felt like the relationship was too stressful and painful (because of the long distance) and I didn't like hurting him. So, we broke it off. I actually have a positive outlook on this...for today at least. I had been praying for God to give me guidance in the relationship and I actually gave the relationship over to Him on Sunday morning. I felt like I was trying to handle it all on my own and I just needed to give up control of it to Him. So I did and that night is when Jason told me that he thought we should 'take a break'. Yesterday was Hell. All I wanted to do was text the one guy who I'd been texting non-stop for the past four months. I wanted to tell him how crappy my day was going. Except, I couldn't. I have realized that when I was wanting to talk and vent to Jason, I should have been wanting to talk to God and be comforted by Him. He is the one who is always there for you. I should be running to Him with my problems and worries. So this hit me like a brick wall yesterday. And starting today, I'm trying to live that out. I'm dedicating my time to trying to get back into the Word and getting back on track with Him.

Here am I, all of me. Take my life, it's all for thee.

Lord, my prayer is that you help me focus on You. I want You to be my main focus now and I want to fill myself with You and be immersed in You. Lord, You never left me during this time when I was not as close to You. I know that You won't leave me now in my time of need. You are there for me and I appreciate that. Thank you for all You've done in my life. I know I am fortunate in how my life has turned out. I pray that you help me get through this rough time and help me have You become my focus in my life now. I love You.

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Is this the way it's supposed to be?

Could it really be this easy? Did I really just figure it out? 

I've been battling a few things out with God recently. For the past few months, I've really wanted to start a ministry or organization that betters the community. My heart goes out to the Invisible Children ministry that helps out the child soldiers in Uganda. I want to make an impact but I don't know where to start. So that is something I've been trying to figure out and pray about. 

There is also this student teaching loan that I can apply for to pay for my schooling. However, it's awesome because after you graduate, if you get a job in an 'at risk' district or school in this state, this program will subtract $5,000 from the amount you owe back to them. (It would take me about 8 years teaching at this school or in this district before my loan is completely paid off) So it's like a scholarship but you must promise to work in an at risk school once you graduate. I was a little apprehensive about this. I mean, my dream has been to go back and teach, if not in the school I grew up in, then at least the district I grew up in. However, district 5 is one of the most prestigious districts in the state. So I've been really struggling with this decision on whether to apply for this loan or not. It would be amazing to be able to not have to pay for school but I couldn't figure out if I could work in a place like this. 

And then it hit me tonight. I've been wanting to make an impact in the community. My heart goes out to kids who don't get what they need. What better way to serve God's children than to work in a community where I'm surrounded by these kids in need. I'm not saying that it's not going to be difficult to get up and go to work everyday. I'm not saying I'm not going to come across difficult situations that I'll have to face. I'm not saying that it's going to be the easy choice to make. And after the 8 years of working in this district, if I don't like it, then I can move to a different district. But I think I have finally found the connection I've been trying to make between my love for kids and teaching, and my heart for creating a ministry to serve children in need. I've finally figured out what the Lord wants me to do with my life...at least for now :)

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Lights Will Guide You Home

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

These famous Coldplay lyrics seem to say it all. It seems that this song is able to speak to anyone who is going through something hard, no matter what it is. This is the ultimate 'cry-your-eyes-out' song. The lyrics speak so strongly of times when you go wrong. Times when your life is in the dark. Times when you don't know what to do with yourself because you feel so alone. But while this song emphasizes the bad times we all go through, it also shows that there is a way out. A way out of whatever is going on in our lives. 

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try and fix you

When I'm in this slump in my life, I like to think of this 'light' as my Father calling me back into His arms-back into my home where I belong. It happens to all of us. We all go through the hard times and tend to wander down the wrong road. We all wonder if we are beautiful enough, smart enough, important enough... Unfortunately, we always see beauty and importance through our culture's standards. This isn't the way we are intended to be seen. God wants us to be seen through His eyes and His standard of beauty and importance. His standard is a lot more generous than that of our culture. He loves us all and thinks we are all meant to do something in this world. I know this all sounds cliché and it's what we've been told since we were in Sunday School, but it's absolutely true and sometimes, all we need to do is get back to the basics of our faith. This is what I'm trying to do. It's hard when you aren't a part of a youth group or a Bible study to get into the Word everyday and still be active in your faith but I'm going to try to get back into all of this. I haven't been blogging recently because I haven't wanted to face the fact that I'm not in the place where I should be right now. This is my attempt to get back into it all. I'm running, full force, back into my Daddy's arms. 

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Ruth

So, a few months ago, as we rang in the new year, I decided that I'd dedicate the next 12 months to changing. There were and still are a lot of things that I would like to change about me. The biggest being my faith and my spirituality. I get unmotivated very often and when that happens, I start to feel depressed and start to hate how my life is going. It was around one of these points when I was feeling completely lousy about myself, when my sister told me to go and download this 6-part series that Mark Driscoll did on Redeeming Ruth. That got me really excited because all of a sudden, here's something that I can do in my free time that will get me back on track. On my days of feeling lousy, my mom always seems to ask, 'Have you had a quiet time lately?' Of course my answer is no because I haven't actually had one in forever. ha. Problem one. So then I realized that this could be like my daily quiet time or devotion. I'm not really too involved in a small group or youth group so I'm having to resort to what I can. Turns out that the first podcast was amazing. I loved listening to him dissect the Bible in the way he did. Ruth really is an incredible woman and an amazing role model. I realized that she is the perfect example of living by faith. She followed her mother-in-law to a city that was unknown to her and not only unknown, but that hated the kind of person she was, a Moabite. She had to put her trust into a God she didn't even know. This was incredible to me. She had so much faith that she uprooted her entire life and religion to trust a God she didn't know or believe in. I know and love and trust my God. I know He is there and loves me too. But for some reason, I can't have faith in Him that things will be alright. I can't seem to hand it all over to Him and let Him take the wheel. How can I know so much about God, but not have faith that He will do what's right and never lead me astray? I want to be like Ruth. God said that with the faith of a mustard seed, one can move mountains. Ruth had the faith of a watermelon. (sorry for the bad analogy) Imagine what my life could look like if I just had faith that He could handle it all on His own.  

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